Toxic Thursday.

“You gotta be mature enough to understand that you have some toxic traits, too. It’s not always the other person.”

—Anonymous Facebook Meme

Mood & Aesthetic

Last week, I said to my therapist:

“I am toxic. Let me share with you a full list of my toxic ways."

I expected her to validate this, and listen, then give me the method to be less toxic.

She pushed back with something unexpected.

"How useful is toxic? As a term? As a way of thinking about yourself and others? How about scales of thinking about these traits, and your feelings?"

I’ve been thinking about the word "toxic." Perhaps a better word is "harm." Toxic is a quality; harm implies action. I have harmed others in the past, but if I make efforts to make amends and repair, then there is action that I can take.

If am inherently "toxic," there is nothing that I can do, right? It's part of my essence. It's an inner quality. That means that I can continue to be toxic without much self-reflection. After all, a nuclear waste site will continue to be radioactive even if you plant a garden on top of it.

We say “toxic” because we don't really have tons of language to describe interpersonal relationships, or feelings. I know that I tend intellectualize stuff so that I don't have to deal with emotions. Intimacy is scary. Learning, growing, and being vulnerable around new ways of talking and thinking about sticky things, all so that I can help myself and others to move beyond reading the world and those in it as inherently toxic.

The best of humanity do not see anyone as toxic. They believe that everyone can be saved. Back in the day, Carlton Pearson was ostracized by mainstream evangelicalism by expressing his belief in universal salvation. It is a generous belief, to be sure…

I am not sure that I’m that far evolved. I am still grappling with the idea that I am not toxic, Black womanhood thwarted, twisted, and shaped into an intellectual spear, branches and buds pruned away, acorn girlhood far behind me…

How can I possibly not be toxic when the reality I find myself in requires me to slash a path through it daily?

And if I am toxic, of course it’s easy to see the poison in others…

Those who are true practitioners of restorative justice are much further along this path than I am. I mentioned Bryan Stevenson last week. I am a huge admirer of the work of prison abolitionist, organizer, and activist Mariame Kaba. I have learned so much from her over the years via social media, and was thankful that I had the chance to meet her during a visit to Philadelphia. I have been in awe of the life, acts, and words of living legend Angela Davis, who was the keynote speaker at Penn’s MLK Day Celebration, since childhood; blink and #ProfessorLife meant that all the tickets were gone.

And of course, there is the incredible Michelle Alexander, whose modern classic The New Jim Crow shifted all of the conversations we’d been having my whole life about Black communities in the age of mass incarceration. Over the past 20 years, our society has gone fro widespread assumptions of Black cultural toxicity (“welfare queens,” “thugs,” “culture of poverty”) to examining the toxicity inherent in these kyriarchies we find ourselves in.

Friends here in Philadelphia active in Black Lives Matter, the Caucus of Working Educators, and many other organizations, as well as my students, have done much to move my views from those that internalize and externalize harm. Former students back home in Detroit like Brittany Rogers, Will “The Poet” Langford, Claricha Foster, Taylor Aldridge, and so many others teach me as much as they did when they were tweens and teens…

And then there are the young people of today. Generation Z. Challenging us on everything from climate to the economy to the assumptions we’ve made about love, learning, and living.

I am thankful for them. This century is theirs.

May they see a time beyond these toxic Thursdays.

What I Am Reading

— Speaking of toxicity, the BBC published an alarming feature article about the ways that over the counter medicine like Tylenol may be harmful. It’s worth checking out.

—There was also an interesting article in the Guardian about environmental justice in Michigan’s most polluted zip code, 48217 in Detroit.

—I really appreciated author Kali Wallace’s blog post, “your heart is a moving target,” about what it’s like to be a working writer in 2020.

—Jezebel provided a great overview of the unraveling of the Romance Writers of America. No one who’s dealt with racism in publishing or an adjacent field (hello, academia, nice to see you again, education) is shocked.

— While whisper networks can be cathartic, they are ineffective means of obtaining justice. This article demonstrates why. I am a survivor of sexual assault, harassment, and stalking, which is why I raise my voice, boldly, especially on behalf of others. When a friend named her harasser this weekend, I shared her post.... and was dismayed when others didn’t. Unfortunately, I was not surprised. And the silence and the whispers are why so many of our writing and thinking fields remain toxic. What implications does this have for the rest of the culture? The world?

—Finally, the entire saga of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex (aka Harry and Meghan) dominated US and UK news this week. I spent a happy Sunday chatting on Facebook about it, and ended up offending multiple people. Even after leaving Twitter, I am still controversial! (By far, the best post in my corner of the world about what Meghan is going through was from fellow Bates Brat and Renaissance Phoenix Anika Akins; I hope that she publishes it.)

—Because I’ve been writing, and it’s the start of term, my reading’s suffered this week. I have been reading a lot of online articles, as this list shows. Hope to get back on track by picking up Pet.

What I Am Writing

— Still working on those chapter revisions. Hope to get them off today or tomorrow. And then, there’s that novel manuscript…

— Research in the Teaching of English is well in hand. For now. (That’s the thing about journal editing… it. never. ends.)

—Sarah Park Dahlen and I continue our work on Harry Potter and the Other.

—Mini grant proposal is due on Friday. Because #ProfessorLife is #GrantWritingLife. After a number of early wins, I’ve been in a four year drought. (Writing grants is sort of like playing the lottery. Just a lot more work.)

—Other irons are in the fire. (Always.)

Being/Doing/Going

— Other than Saturday brunch with the girls, it was a quiet weekend. Much needed, because the whirlwind’s just begun. The semester started yesterday in my corner of the world. I can’t believe January’s halfway over!

—Three of our four historically Black sororites celebrated Founders’ Days this week. I’m a proud Delta! We celebrated #DST107 on Monday. I have many AKA friends, neighbors, students, who celebrated 112 years yesterday. And! My Auntie Amanda’s sorority, Zeta Phi Beta, just turned 100 years old today. Happy Centennial, y’all! Welcome to the club!

— My syllabi are (mostly) done. Now it’s time to load things onto the Canvas site online, which is always tons of fun. (2 of my 3 courses have no TA. Yes, I know you don’t feel sorry for me.)

—I was accepted into the Writing the Other online course on writing inclusive characters! Very excited. Why don’t you join me?

Word(s) of the Week

Unbelievable. (Like I said, many irons in many fires…)

Moving beyond toxicity in all our affairs this Thursday… and toward the light.